Inner Monologue on Trust

I wrote this yesterday at about 11 p.m. out of boredom and a sudden rush to start scribbling down something. Anything. So, of course, I chose to write a rant. How typical of me, eh?

I can’t trust you. I just can’t. Maybe. A bit. For a while. Then you’ll prove me wrong. It happens all the time. What’s with the human tendency to mess up so badly? It’s like we’re built to disappoint everyone. Even ourselves. Especially ourselves.

I can’t trust you. I just can’t. Maybe. If it’s only a piece of me. No one’s been able to love all of me. They want me to change. They think I’m deranged. A loony. A nutter. A girl who should look and behave better. So I open myself up and I get dissected. Way to welcome me into reality, world.

I want to trust you. I just can’t. It’s not you, nor me. It’s everyone, you see? I can barely trust my own self, and people expect me to ensure stuff in their hands? Malarkey! I call on people like them, many fail to deliver their promises. Tasks, maybe. Obligations, sure. But nothing of personal importance, really. They fail in things, petty some seem, but nonetheless important to me.

I want to trust you. I wonder if I can. My youth doesn’t mean I have no scars.

I’ve already learnt people talk the loudest to people from afar. Anonymous strangers they’ll never even meet. I understand. I do. Anything these faceless voices say will probably bear no harm on you. They’re not the ones you’re trying to please. You could get over their comments with more ease.

I want to trust you. Maybe I can. Perhaps. Just not with all of me. I’ll work out what I can and can’t say to you. When I’m ready, if I’m ever ready, we’ll follow through. It’s not that bad, is it? Let’s see how this will go for a while.

I think I can trust you. Do you think that way too? Or will I just be an unnecessary burden to you? That wouldn’t do. That wouldn’t do at all. Let me know if I’ve given too much info. If things ever go too far.

I think I can trust you. Maybe I have. It’s alright, if it’s just this much. Yeah, just this much.


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